I watched a series of songs, including Modi Kaka song (Played by the multiplex in Vadodara), Haldiram menu song, football song, quality time song, Prem Leela song, Bachpan song. The only question I was left pondering was: Where’s the film? Maybe this fictional conversation between the film’s director Sooraj Barjatya and Salman Khan can offer some insight into how the makers came up with this whole new genre of ‘Festival Films’:
Sooraj Barjatya: Hey I want to bring Prem back?
Salman Khan: But why?
SB: Because Mein Prem Ki Deewani…I mean Deewana hoon. Vivah was a success.
SK: Prem is an archaic concept. It’s high time we put him in a museum perhaps at Madame Tussauds…
SB: But those Prems were Hritik Roshan and Shahid Kapoor. I want the original Prem back.
SK: Okay so what will be the story?
SB: The film will begin with a Prem Leela Song, then Mithaai song, Bachpan song, Love song and title song…
SK: Arey woh to theek hai, but where’s the film? Are you making a song video or what?
SB: Song video masquerading as a film.
SK: So obviously that leaves no room or rather frame for story…
SK: Not again! This means I will have to salvage the film with my age-old antics, ranging from a bhola-bhala Prem of MPK, HAHK, HSSH and then shades of Wanted, Dabangg and Veer…
SB: Er…Bhai exclude the last one…Veer…
SK: What was wrong with Veer? It was written by me…
SB: That precisely where it went wrong…By the way. Veer reminds me of a concept. How about doing a film about a royal family?
SK: So you’re making a royal wedding video this time?
SB: Oh no…I don’t want to do wedding videos anymore. This film will have no wedding. Just a Raj Tilak festival.
SK: So what’s the story?
SB: Well, I don’t have a story, but lately I was watching a lot of films…so jotted down few plotlines…Our film will be loosely based on Don…In fact, we’ll royally screw Don by setting it against a backdrop of royal family.
SK: But hasn’t Farhan already done that? Won’t people figure it out?
SB: The moment they figure out, we’d already moved to Akshay Kumar and Sidharth Malhotra’s ‘Brothers’ mode. We will add one or two sisters here and there so that we can also cover Bhai Dooj festival along with Diwali.
SK: So this will be a Diwali film?
SB: Yup! We’ll begin a whole new genre of films in India called ‘Festival Films’. Unlike those yawn-inducing films for festivals, our film will be a complete entertainer catering to an audience already in the festival-mode. People will love watching the Raja Maharaja story, glass palaces set on a waterfall, chariot falling off the cliff, sword fights etc…
SK: So is it a period drama?
SB: Nope, it will be set in a place called Prem Pur…enough of Prem, let’s call it Pritam Pur.
SK: But isn’t the raja-maharaja time already a thing of past? We live in a democratic country, if in case you’ve heard about it in school…
SB: Who looks for logic, especially during festivals? People know the logic of burning money, literally on firecrackers, yet they keep doing so every year. When there’s Bhai ka magic, out goes the logic.
SK: You have a point there. So who’s the villain?
SB: We can pick anyone there…how does it matter? Any Neil, Nitin or Mukesh can play it.
SK: That’s one person.
SB: Okay we’ll take him. Add Arbaaz if you want…he can play some relative or something…
SK: Make that Armaan Kohli. I promised him a role during Bigg Boss.
SK: Done. Sonam can be my heroine. I promised her dad too… Now this sounds grand, isn’t it?
SB: Grander than Sanjay Leela Bhansali! We will do to Diwali what SLB did to Navratri. Diwali is a national festival…
SK: Hey stop your school composition and think about camera composition and my compensation…I mean remuneration.
SB: Whatever you ask for bro! This one’s going to be a money-spinner…So, let’s announce, Prem is back!
SK: Prem Ratan Dhan Paayo!
SB: Ah! That’s the title!