A fictional conversation between director Vikas Behl and producer Karan Johar:
Vikas Behl: I want to make a wedding film as shaandaar as the Chopras, Barjatyas and your films…
Karan Johar: You need a good budget for that…Okay leave that to me…but you ought to know the craft of making wedding films…
VB: I don’t even have an experience of making wedding videos. Can you teach me how to make a wedding film?
KJ: Okay. Do you have a story?
VB: Well, not really.
KJ: Fantastic! First stage cleared. Can you manage a good casting?
VB: Oh yes why not! My previous film, Queen was a super hit and garnered almost every film award in India.
KJ: So the second stage is cleared too. Now we need an excuse of a story or rather a flimsy plot to base the film upon.
VB: I had scribbled something during my trip to UK…I loved few castles and thought about a destination wedding story. And then I happened to hear the stories of Dum Laga Ke Haisha and Dil Dhadakne Do and thought how about making a cocktail of them with a tinge of fairytales.
KJ: A fairytale wedding? Maybe I’d be interested in producing it. Hell, I can even do a coffee with oops mehendi with Karan it it.
VB: Really? Well, then let’s get started! I want Shahid and Alia to play the lead.
KJ: You have it. I can even manage to rope in Pankaj Kapoor. The father-son duo sharing the screen space will draw the audience. Add some peppy songs and maybe a bikini scene, some animation and CGIs and you have a perfectly packaged wedding hamper.
VB: We will shoot impromptu…have some theme-based songs like a Qawwali number, a Black & White song, a ‘funny’ scene where everyone in the wedding is drugged by eating mushroom and brownies.
KJ: Drugged by mushroom and brownies? Are you nuts or what?
VB: We will make the audience believe that this combination can drug people and have an LSD ‘Lucy in the sky’ effect and Shahid’s character, who plays wedding planner will shoot their videos on a Nokia phone. That’s brand placement.
VB: So let’s get started!
KJ: But where’s the script?
VB: Who needs a script when you have every wedding ingredient in place? The story is simple. Alia is an orphan raised by a kind-hearted man. There’s a wicked grandmother, wicked wife and a plump daughter. The family is on the verge of bankruptcy.
KJ: Interesting. And then…?
VB: They plan to marry off their plump daughter to a rich Sindhi who has more gold than Bhappi Da. They feed their daughter with cakes and chocolates so that they can weigh her in gold and offer dowry.
KJ: But how can they afford such enormous dowry when they’re on the brink of bankruptcy?
VB: The point is…the evil grandmother and mother will feed their daughter and make her fat.
KJ: But doing this might jeopardize her prospects of getting married…
VB: We’ll figure that out later while shooting. Maybe Alia can bail me out, just like Kangana did in Queen.
KJ: Your heroine bails you out?
VB: Well, that’s an inside joke…our film would have an inside joke of sleeping together?
KJ: You mean sex?
VB: No, actually sleeping together…like zzz forty winks, asleep…(laughs) You got the joke? Shahid and Alia’s characters will have a yawn sambandh! LOL! What’s more, we’ll also have a montage of people yawning, animals yawning…
KJ: Hope the audience doesn’t yawn too…I didn’t get your joke though…
VB: In the film, both parties don’t know that they are bankrupts. You get the joke?
KJ: Yup, the joke is on audience. Even they won’t realize that we are bankrupts – with no script or story at hand. Whatever…So what do you intend to call your fairytale wedding film?
KJ: Raytaa phail gaya!