(Half) Popcornversation on Calendar Girls

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Sangeeta Ahir (Producer): How many times will you remake Page 3?

Madhur Bhandarkar (Director): This one’s for the last time, aayi shapath!

SA: I heard you saying that when you made Heroine. What next? A film on makeup artists?

MB: Wow! That’s a great idea…Let me call up my writers and ask them to begin with it. A makeup artist who wants to become a heroine…just think of it what kind of film this can turn out to be…

SA: Can we discuss that later? Now tell me what your story is about.

MB: Calendar Girls.

SA: I am not asking about your unique title, but story…

MB: Calendar Girls. We keep ogling oops watching these girls on calendar, but how much do we know about their lives?

SA: What is there to know? Some become models, actors or marry off some producer or business tycoon.

MB: Exactly. That’s my story.

SA: That isn’t a story, but common sense.

MB: Common sense is the most uncommon thing these days ma’am!

SA: But isn’t the making of Kingfisher calendar much interesting than a film on it?

MB: That’s what we are trying to make…Imagine watching it on big screen! First we reveal their bodies and then we reveal dark alleys of glamour world.

SA: Haven’t we already seen that in your every film after Page 3, except that silly detour, Dil to bachha hai ji?

MB: Haan Mataji, but this time the cast is different. We have non actors.

SA: Won’t it ruin the film?

MB: Who cares about heroine’s acting? People will come to watch Calendar Girls. Suhel Seth has already agreed to play Vijay Mallya. Stories of girls from different regions of India. Trust me, it will be Chak De! India in bikini…

SA: How worse can this get? I am going to produce only half of the film…

MB: Well, in that case, you will get half-baked story, half-prepared actors, half-shot sequences, half-composed songs, and of course, half-hearted direction.

SA: At least I will recover half my money. Deal done.

MB: But what about the audiences’ money?

SA: They can always walk out after the first half.

PS: The writer of this fictional conversation had to walk out of the auditorium after the first half and sneak inside another movie, which turned out to be a paisa-wasool. Do it at your own risk, as it’s the only desperate measure to get your hard-earned money back.

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