Kill logic. Kill story. Kill time. Kill money. Kkkkill Ddddil!

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Killing time was never so fatal. I had two hours to kill and hence went for Kill/Dil, hoping (against hope) that after a 7-year odd break (hibernation?), Shaad Ali won’t disappoint. On a safer side, Ranveer Singh was there and Govinda might be the saving grace too. Wrong.

Kill/Dil is a kind of movie that can only be watched on DVD (If you really want to watch it) with a remote control in your hand and the thumb precisely placed over the fast-forward button. Five minutes, and you’re done with the ordeal.

Kill logic.

To begin with, Govinda is a complete miscast for the role of ‘Bhaiyaaji’. The ‘wannabe’ menacing laughter that might pull you to the theatre is an illusion for the viewers and delusion for the actor. Even if he attempted a Shakti Kapoor act, Govinda might have been convincing as the anti-hero. To add fuel to the fire, he is made to dance. Perhaps it was director Shaad Ali’s way of ensuring entertainment quotient for the audience. Lest they might feel cheated to watch Govinda minus dance sequences.

In terms of entertainment, the 80s films starring Kadar Khans and Amrapurkars made much more sense. The two killers roam about freely and there’s not a single trace of police in this film. Further, the director chooses to do away with ‘Heroine ka baap’ and focuses only on ‘Hero ka baap’ Govinda crying ‘aasteen ka saanp’.

Sample this: ‘Aasteen ka saanp…Tujhe meine doodh pilaaya aur tu mujhe hi dasne chala?’ No, it’s not Nirupa Roy’s line (Shaad Ali does pay a tribute to her by placing her picture as founder of an insurance company), but believe me, Govinda mouths this used-and-abused line when he slaps Ranveer, the ‘aasteen ka saanp’.

Ali Zafar wears a constantly constipated expression. Or was it his ‘What am I doing here’ expression. I’d better stop here because that’s the expression every person in the auditorium, including yours truly was wearing all through the two hours (thankfully).

In a scene, Ali Zafar says something to the effect that if one know he is going to get screwed, he’d better not worry about any other details, and just say: Aaan de! It’s a message for the audience, who are left with no choice but accept everything shown on the screen with a relenting: Aaan de!

Kill story.

The story is stuff legendary disasters like Gunday and Tashan are made of (both from YRF stable). Two children are found lying near a garbage box and a goon, Bhaiyyaji breeds them as his henchmen who kill for a living. A girl enters one of the killer’s life and Bhaiyyaji isn’t amused.

So the killer has two choices: Kill i.e. continue doing what he has been doing or Dil i.e. follow his heart and flee away with the girl to begin a new life. You don’t need to be an Einstein to figure out what our hero chooses. Yes, the storyline is that thin and the screenplay isn’t engaging either.

Parineeti Chopra plays Disha, a girl who parties and after-parties till the wee hours and does samaaj sudhaar by rehabilitating prisoners – something that the director never bothers to show in the film, except for a montage scene in the song, Sweeta.

After all, he isn’t a V. Shantaram making Do Aankhein Baarah Haath, so why dwell upon such silly details? Parineeti, and not Govinda, wears oddest costumes throughout the film, reminding us of Vidya Balan during the ‘Hey Baby’ days.

Kill time.

Ranveer Singh shines with his energy and a screen presence that makes the film bearable. The scenes of ‘LOL’, ‘ROFL’ and insurance company interview raise hope (against hope), only to be disappointed later. In fact, Kill/Dil is set on a format and not script. One lover boy scene, one bromance scene, one Bhaiyaaji scene and repeat. This loop goes on right from the first frame to the dumb climax. The only grouse is: Why did Gulzar saab agree to recite his gems for a film like this?

Kill money.

After Saathiya and Bunty Aur Babli, Shaad Ali disappointed us big time with Jhoom Barabar Jhoom and now Kill/Dil. There’s a scene where Govinda mouths this cliché: Jab kutta pagal ho jaaye (Wasn’t it Ghoda? Where’s Menaka Gandhi?) to usey Goli maar dena chahiye. It’s high time we audience maarofy goli on such harebrained or rather pest-brained films. Seal/Deal.

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