Magic that spells doom for logic: Popcornversations on Dhoom-3

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A fictional account of conversation taking place during a brainstorming session on the latest installment of Doom oops Dhoom:

Aditya Chopra: Eena meena myna mo…Vijay Krishna Acharya!

Sanjay Gadhvi: But I have directed the previous Dhooms…

Aditya Chopra: Be sporting Sanju! Don’t forget you made Kidnap.

Sanjay Gadhvi: But he made Tashan!

Aditya Chopra: So what? He is a Christopher Nolan fan.

Sanjay Gadhvi: Look, I just bought this Blu-ray Nolan collection…

Aditya Chopra: You can direct the fourth installment. Sanju give me that Blu-ray collection… (Closes eyes) Eena Mina Myna Mo! Prestige and Dark Knight! (He throws the two Blu-ray discs towards Vijay Krishna Acharya) Make a cocktail out of these two and set it against the backdrop of the recently released movie, ‘Now you see me’.

Vijay Krishna Acharya: But don’t you need the film’s story?

Aditya Chopra: Look, those two paandus are going to remain the same. You just need to work on the villain. Dhoom is all about the villain, be it John Abraham or Hritik Roshan, isn’t it?

Abhishek Bachchan: Adi! Did you just call me a Paandu? Don’t forget I am the hero of the Dhoom series!

Uday Chopra: So that means I am the side hero, is it bro?

Aditya Chopra: Acha baba you both are heroes and now we are looking for villain.

Abhishek Bachchan: How about me doing a double role?

Aditya Chopra: (Under his breath) One is enough…I mean you alone are enough but we need a powerful villain and a hot babe.

Abhishek Bachchan: To give me a solid takkar isn’t it?

Uday Chopra: Oh even I can do that…For that matter, even this conference table can give you a solid takkar.

(Abhishek gives him an intense look)

Aditya Chopra: Bingo! That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do throughout the film…remember this expression and use it in the film.

Uday Chopra: Well, that’s the only expression he has inherited from Amit Uncle, apart from the ‘B’ surname of course.

Abhishek Bachchan: Just like your ‘C’ surname of course.

Aditya Chopra: Ok ok… Why don’t we approach one of the three Khans for the villain’s role?

Vijay Krishna Acharya: If we rope in Sallubhai, we don’t need these two paandus.

Abhishek Bachchan: Hey don’t forget I am the hero of the Dhoom series!

Vijay Krishna Acharya: How about SRK?

Aditya Chopra: No more SRK jab tak hai jaan…

Vijay Krishna Acharya: Okay give me some time.

(The three gather after six months)

Aamir Khan walks inside the conference room with a guy holding a large mirror along his side.

Aditya Chopra: Why are you wearing this constipated expression?

Aamir Khan: I have been in a constipated state since six months just to prepare myself for this role of Sahir Khan. It’s my research you know…how much facial muscles get contorted when someone is going through such pain in the… Look, the cheeks have these Acute Angled wrinkles towards the upper side of the jawline while Obtuse Angled wrinkles precisely half centimeter above it. Come here show them (asking the guy holding mirror).

Aditya Chopra: What is this Acute-Obtuse? And why is this guy holding mirror by your side?

Aamir Khan: Well, meet him… (Gesturing them to look into the mirror) he is Samar Khan, my other role. Hey Uday stop staring at me and look into the mirror.

Uday Chopra: How does that matter? It’s your reflection there. Believe me guys, I read the screenplay and believe I am the only guy who talks sense in this nonsense film. Actually I don’t care much anyway; I’m retiring with this film.

Aamir Khan: Oh is it? I thought you had retired after Neal N Nikki…you should have met my friend Salman to participate in Big Boss with Tanisha and created some real tamaasha.

Vijay Krishna Acharya: Let’s get serious guys. Look, I have merged The Dark Knight with The Prestige and written this magical script which floored the intelligent in Aamir Khan. He was so impressed that he asked for six months to get into the two characters. Jackie Shroff plays a magician who commits suicide because the Big Bank guys take over is circus. He kills himself and his son or rather sons.

Aamir Khan: The other is his secret and our film’s secret which I am sure will be out the very next day it gets released – just the way people wrote on the walls ‘Kajol is the killer’ after Gupt was released. Nevertheless, the film will all be about how the twin brothers confuse the cops and plot heists…chor-police game Nolan style you know…And look, this is my ‘Samar’ expression! (He contorts his face weirdly as if he was lip-syncing for Bum Bum Bhole in Taare Zameen Par).

Abhishek Bachchan: But what’s original about twin brothers creating havoc and confusing cops? This is something that even my dad did in Akayla..Heck it also had Jackie Shroff singing ‘Chal chal ri chal meri Ram Pyaari’…hey Ram Pyaari car reminds me…I want to do a Rajnikant using an autorickshaw. After all, I am the hero of the Dhoom series.

Aditya Chopra: Okay Abhi you get the Rajnikant part…Now we need an actress who can show her well-toned body.

Abhishek Bachchan: Wow! So I am going to romance a hot girl?

Aditya Chopra: No heroine for you Abhi…After all, you’re the hero of the Dhoom series and people remember you had a wife Rimi Sen in the first installment…so it’s understood that she must be waiting for you in India while you are on a mission at Chicago. Guys, we’re shooting the entire film, except Abhi’s autorickshaw part in Chicago…we have been approached by their tourism department.

Aamir Khan: I think Katrina Kaif will be the best bet. I also get to smooch her…my smooch-every-girl-I-act-with pact remember?

Vijay Krishna Acharya: Oh yes, I remember sir…Katrina will easily be convinced as her role doesn’t require her to act. Leave alone signing up, Kat will even do a striptease for such script!

Aditya Chopra: Oh really? Fine then, we’re done. Aamir you stay constipated for few months more till we wrap up the shoot. And Abhi you wear this same expression. Aamir your brand positioning of ‘perfectionist’ and ‘thinking actor’ will lend an intelligent air to this silly script, sorry Vijay but honestly, ‘Tashan’ was your masterpiece.

Vijay Krishna Acharya: Was it a compliment or criticism?

Aditya Chopra: (Flipping through the half-paged and zero-brained script) Vijay, what’s the logic? I mean why can’t the cops in Chicago catch a silly magician or magicians? How can someone remain hidden all his life?

Vijay Krishna Acharya: You leave all that to me…like you said, Aamir’s presence will lend an intelligent air to this err… silly script.

Aditya Chopra: Fine guys, let’s Dhoom macha le!

Uday Chopra: And laugh all the way to the bank after robbing audience during Christmas?

All: Ho ho ho!

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