Disclaimer: This is a fictional conversation between the dad-son duo, Shahid Kapur and Pankaj Kapur. Any resemblance to reality is purely intentional oops unintentional or maybe both.
Shahid Kapur: Dad I want a hit. I want a hit. I want a hit! Meine maangi thi safaai aur aapne di Mausam ki jalan?
Pankaj Kapur: Now what could I have done? People didn’t understand the film…
SK: Forget the story of Mausam, people couldn’t understand what the white horses were about. Later, they got all the more confused why I was running like a dog oops horse in Kaminey. Since then, I have decided to stay away from horses.
PK: So what next?
SK: Got a script from Yash Raj films called Shuddh Desi Romance. But I declined it and accepted Phata Poster Nikla Hero.
PK: Why on earth did you do that? I have heard that the script of Shuddh Desi Romance is really good.
SK: I want a hit. I want a hit. I want a hit.
PK: Okay okay got it…
SK: I also got another offer from none other than Prabhu Deva!! Sorry it’s ‘Dheva’!
PK: Woh dancer?
SK: Oh come on dad! He’s not just a dancer anymore, but a machine that churns out hit films like ‘Wanted’ and ‘Rowdy Rathore’…And you know I want a hit. I want a hit..I want…
PK: Arrey haan baba you want hit, but those films never have any script…it’s all about maar-dhaad, one-liners…
SK: Come on dad, apne film mein kaunsa script tha? It was all about pyaar-vyaar, songs, location…now the times have changed you know…
PK: What’s this film called?
SK: Rambo…no I guess it’s now called Romeo…nahi I think it’s R…Rajkumar.
PK: Yeh R…Rajkumar kya hota hai? Anyway, what’s in a name? What’s the film about?
SK: Hero and villain falling for the same woman.
PK: What else?
SK: What else? That’s the story. No prizes for guessing who wins and who loses.
PK: Ek line ki story mein poori film kaise banaate hain yeh log?
SK: Jaise hum ek gaane mein…Rabba mein to marr gaya oye! The film isn’t about this one-lined story, but this one liner – Pyaar pyaar pyaar aur maar maar maar!
PK: What nonsensical kind of line? And for god’s sake, stop referring to my directorial debacle ok? Who would have given you chance to play Rajesh Khanna wala role of Aaradhana?
SK: Sorry dad…But Aaradhana was a hit…And all I want is a hit. I want a hit…I want a….
PK: Oh stop that hit bullshit!
SK: Hey dad the word bullshit reminds me of a scene in R…Rajkumar where there is a disclaimer line sung in the film.
PK: How can you sing a disclaimer line?
SK: The villain sings ‘I am a bull, you are my shit…together we are bullshit’
PK: Bete, tere itne bure din aa gaye hai? Are you sure you want to do this film? By the way, who the villain is and who’s the girl you both fall for?
SK: Sonakshi will reprise her Dabangg ‘pyaar pyaar pyaar’, and Sonu Sood will reprise his Dabangg ‘maar maar maar’.
PK: (Beating his forehead) Aur tu kab banega star star star!
SK: Banunga dad…after this film. I get to do a lot of action Jackson!
PK: You mean fight and dance?
SK: Yup, Prabhu sir has summoned a black magician who shall make Prabhu sir’s spirit enter my body for few minutes in songs like ‘Saree ke fall sa kabhi match kiya re’, ‘Maari maari maari’, and ‘Gandi baat’.
PK: Are you trying to say that these are lyrics of your film’s songs? Gandi baat!
SK: Aajkal yahi chalta hai dad…who cares about lyrics these days? When lines like ‘Oonche se ooncha banda potty pe baithe nanga’ can pass as lyrics and become chartbusters, then these are still well-written songs.
PK: ‘Well-written’? (Reading the script) But what about the story is too old fashioned? I mean, what is this line ‘Jaa ke us Romeo ko haraakar aao fir mein apni saree khud utaarungi?’ How can a heroine say such line to the villain? Thoda self-respect to hona chahiye na? Hamaare zamaane mein to….
SK: Exactly! Didn’t the heroine take off her saree ke fall sa kabhi…oops I mean saree ka pallu and say lines like – yeh lo, utaar lo meri izzat! Kar lo apni hawas poori! Jab hero ko aise lines bol sakti hai, so why not to the villain?
PK: So you mean to say you’re doing what the 80s and 90s filmwaalas used to do?
SK: Right. The only difference is – the villains have become dudes too. Only I know how much complex I feel every time I confront Sonu Sood.
PK: Muscles banwaa le..kitna time lagta hai? Plus you will get a lot of publicity as a ‘perfectionist’ who trained himself especially for this role. Impression padega! Koi gal nahi! You can still manage with your boyish charm and making funny faces.
SK: Touchwood dad! I want a hit. I want a hit. I want a hit! I want to become Star, star, star!
PK: Yeah but after reading your script and screenplay, I fear you don’t end up getting audiences’ maar, maar, maar!