A confession: I committed the sin of watching a don film on Independence day (but redeemed myself by watching Gandhi on TV on the same day).
The consequence: A fictional conversation between producer Ekta Kapoor and Director Milan Luthria is playing out on my mind, which I’d love to share with you folks:
Ekta Kapoor: I have a new concept for the sequel of Once upon a time in Mumbai!
Milan Luthria: Oh is it? But we didn’t plan to have any sequels, did we?
EK: Oh come on, let’s cash in on whatever accolades we earned from it!
ML: Oh is it? But we didn’t win any accolades at Cannes or Oscars, did we?
EK: Well, we didn’t send our film else…
ML: So what’s the plan?
EK: See, everyone makes films using bound script – an alien which never existed during the times of Manmohan Desai.
ML: So you want to make a film without a bound script?
EK: Without a script, to be precise. A love story, in fact a love triangle of D.
ML: Lekin apne line mein ek saying hain…Teen tigaada, kaam bigaada.
EK: Don’t worry. We will have Akshay Kumar as D.
ML: Why not Ajay doing a reprise?
EK: After hearing the story…I mean non-story, he stopped picking up my phone!
ML: Aww! How rude! Never mind, Akshay chalega and what about Emraan?
EK: We have Emraan, but just the spelling has changed, it’s Imraan.
ML: But we need an actor, not a set of emoting eyebrows!
EK: I know…but the acting part will be taken care of by Sonakshi Sinha…she just stumbled upon acting while doing Lootera.
ML: Oh yes, let’s cash in on that too. This will be a helluva piggyback ride!
EK: You do one thing…call Rajat Arora to write the film.
ML: Rajat will take almost six months for research…
EK: But our film doesn’t require anything remotely related to research!
ML: Kyun? How will he write the dialogues without tagging behind autorickshaws across India? Shaayri to wohi milegi na?
EK: Right right…ask him to take a trip in the small cities so that he can get some variety material. We’ll ask Akki to mouth lines like: Pyaar aaj kal naukrani jaise ban gaya hai. Aata hai, bell bajata hai, kaam karke chala jaata hai.
ML: Are you serious?
EK: I noticed it inside a taxi and Whatsapped Rajat immediately. There’s also one more: Doodh mein nimboo jisne daala, paneer uski.
ML: How original!
EK: So whenever we are stuck up, we’ll ask Akki to tap the table, smoke a ciggie with a disclaimer line and mouth these lines.
ML: I also think there must be something more than shaayris…How about bonding Emraan, sorry Imraan Khan and Sonakshi Sinha’s characters with intercourse?
ML: Let me write those scenes and show you…you’ll roll with LOL!
EK: Okay but make sure the censors don’t create a problem. But don’t you want to know the story?
ML: Oh I thought there wasn’t one…tell me…
EK: Sonakshi’s character is from Kashmir and she is a struggling actress. She falls for D alias Shoaib and at the same time befriends his right hand…in fact, right eyebrow, Imran Khan and then realizes that D is the D and she goes to Imran for being rescued by D.
ML: But how come she didn’t know that D is the D when everyone around is afraid of him? And why does she seek refuge under another gangster? Does she keep making friends without even bothering whether they are gangsters, gigolos or gynecs?
EK: Gosh! You’re not getting it…did Urmila Matondkar’s character, Vidya know that Satya was a gangster in RGV’s Satya?
ML: But they kept making some references na…it was believable.
EK: So make it believable…that’s your job, not mine!
ML: Okay ma’am…but how do Imran and Sonakshi’s characters become friends?
EK: She takes her friend for a mating session in his car.
ML: Oh ok…right…then I might as well include the intercourse joke during this scene.
EK: What is it about intercourse?
ML: It’s a joke that runs throughout the movie…there must be some humour quotient too, you know. And I assure you, the censors won’t be upset…It’s a clean, family film, after all…
EK: Great! Done then…let’s begin with the film and we’ll release it during Eid…but ask Rajat to include words like ‘Paap’, ‘Punya’ and ‘Raavan’…so that it also appeals the Hindu audience…while I’ll keep a Roza for its success.
ML: Superb! Let’s begin the teen ka tigaada and fool the audience…dobaara!