Saif: SRK made RA 1. Salman made Dabangg. I also want to become a superhero
Raj & DK: So you want us to make a superhero film? And by the way, Chulbul Pandey isn’t a superhero..
Saif: Have you seen those films?
Raj & DK: Nope.
Saif: No wonder you made films like 99 and Shor in the city. They were so great that people never watched them yet the critics proclaimed them to be classics.
Raj & DK: Well, even the classics are never read, yet revered isn’t it? Anyway, we already have Krishh, Drona, RA1, Iron Man, Batman, Spiderman, Superman, now what man?
Saif: Remember Rajesh Vivek?
Raj & DK: Who is he?
Saif: Arrey that Tantrik in Ramsay films…remember Veerana by Ramsay Brothers?
Raj & DK: So you want to play the Tantrik baba or what?
Saif: Modern avatar of Tantrik baba…in a Russian style who loves saying ‘I keel dead peepul’, got the drift?
Raj & DK: So we’re making a Ramsay film?
Saif: I happened to watch mom’s Bengali film, ‘Aranyer Din Ratri’
Raj & DK: Oh! The classic by Satyajit Ray?
Saif: Yup, the classic watched by few and praised by everyone. So this film had three guys in a forest and it gave me an idea of recreating those zombies from Ramsay films against the backdrop of an isolated island. Basically a zom-com.
Raj & DK: What’s zom-com? Don’t tell me it means zombie comedy…
Saif: Exactly! I and Kunal were just discussing what if zombies came to India…will we blame globalization for that…I mean after HIV, Bird Flu, it’s the zombies who wreak havoc on an island at Goa.
Raj & DK: Sounds interesting. We’ll start working on the script.
(Six months later)
Saif: I loved the script. But why does Kunal Khemu get the best lines?
Raj & DK: It’s the character he’s playing…a smart aleck you know.
Saif: Isn’t it Veer Das who can be good with one-liners?
Raj & DK: Trust us, he’ll suit the part. Veer Das can reprise his Delhi Belly role and we’ll make him look like a distant cousin of Ayushman Khurana. There’s also another actor Anand Tiwari. All he has to do is roll his eyes in shock and wear a ‘fattu’ expression throughout the film.
Saif: Perfect. I want you to shift your focus from these two characters in the second half and increase my role.
Raj & DK: How can we shift focus to a Tantrik?
Saif: I am not just a Tantrik. I keel dead peepul! And by the way, I am the producer.
Raj & DK: Let us try…we’ll make you look like some Schwarzenegger and you get to mouth the immortal line, ‘I’ll be back!’ Music will be by Sachin Jigar and we’ll import Dan MacArthur and Lukasz Pruchnik to do the cinematography.
(After watching the first cut)
Raj & DK: The second half looks like a video game, isn’t it?
Saif: If SRK can make a video game for his son, I can also become Boris and shoot zombies.
Raj & DK: Hey but what’s that logic of shooting cocaine in the air?
Saif: That’s the pause button folks! Kabhi video game nahi khela kya?
Raj & DK: We believe we were on the right track during the first half…the second half is turning into a zombie shooting gore fest and wasn’t this supposed to be a zom-com? Where’s the comedy?
Saif: Zom-com is the allure…to draw audience in the theatre. Call the raat ‘whore’ and if you want taalis, add desi gaalis in the dialogues. In fact, Go Goa Gone is a film with social message…perhaphs the longest anti-smoking and doping ad ever to hit Indian screens.
Raj & DK: When did this happen?
Saif: Our zombies are far better than that ‘yeh hai Mukesh ki kahaani’ and ‘itna taar aapko beemaar, bahut beemar banaane ke liye kaafi hain’ kind of anti-smoking ads audience is subjected to.
Raj & DK: Got it.
Saif: So what do we know?
Raj & DK: That we are making an anti-smoking, anti-doping ad film.
Saif: And what did we learn?
Raj & DK: That Ramsays were far better at making zom-coms though they were unintentionally funny
Raj & DK: Oops! We mean to say we are making India’s first zom-com.
Raj & DK: We thought you were endorsing Lays…We have hinted a sequel…do you think this film will succeed?
Saif: Bade aaraam se! Don’t worry, your career will shoot up after this film…take this and relax….
Raj & DK: What’s that?
Saif: Saif Babaji ki booti. Oonchaiyo ko gehraaiyo mein leen kar dijiye, Khopdi ke RAM se brain ka spam clean kar lijiye, yahan logic-illogic mein koi bhed nahin hain, Illuminati Films ke is seedhe prasaran mein rukaavat hain, magar rukaawat ke liye saala koi khed nahin hain. Story ke middle finger mein Zombie ki angoothi hain, Babaji ki booty (coughs) Babaji ki booty!
Raj & DK: Saif Babaji, we love you.