Cocktail: A recipe that leaves an incurable hangover

Often erroneously called love triangle, this cocktail directed by Homi Adjania actually insults the genre. A lethal combination of wooden actor like Diana Penty, sleep-inducing script by Imtiaz Ali & Sajid Ali and apologetically original music by Pritam, this is both a cocktail sure to leave a hangover.

Nevertheless, you shall discover ‘new and improved’ expressions of Deepika Padukone’s hair (did you expect facial expression? How optimistic of you!) The actor with ‘the best hair of the world’ (Well at least the hair oil ads on TV claim so) plays the character of Veronica, a party-peeing oops party-going gal who lives life on her own terms, with new expressions of course.

There’s a scene where the three characters sort out their problems over a no-holds-barred conversation in the kitchen raises the bar of a savoury preparation, but the cocktail spills over with glycerine tears – a must-have in every film remotely connected to Imtiaz Ali. Deepika ensures that none of the characters make their presence felt, not even during the climax scene where Saif Ali Khan proposes Diana Penty.

So, here’s to you the recipe of this heady Cocktail, which might help other bartenders (startenders rather) whip up yet another such cocktail that people with extra zero pay-check and zero reality-check are sure to lap up:

Prep Time: 1 year (max depends on the dates of ingredients available)
Total Time: 146 minutes (each minute count, else how would one gauge his/her patience-quotient?)
Yield: 1 Cocktail (that leaves terrible hangover)

Ingredients:

1 1/2 oz bourbon of Saif Ali Khan (Don’t worry, the more it ages, the better it hams)
1 oz sweet vermouth of Diana Penty (Stay assured it won’t change its flavour of expression, guaranteed)
1 oz Campari of Deepika Padukone (It is the only ingredient that you can bet on so keep adding it in small measure from time to time and don’t let the bourbon of Saif Ali Khan overpower its tinge)
1 tsp. Dried grape syrup of Dimple Kapadia (Use it like Kirron Kher of Dostana and sprinkle some salt of Punjabi-accented word like menopause which people have never witnessed in Indian films)
2 tsp. Cognac of Boman Irani (At times it tends to overspill with over enthusiasm but you need it in such concoctions these days)
A pinch of Randeep Hooda salt (Use it to provide some change to the consumer)

Preparation:
Combine all the elements in a mixing machine on editing table.
Add ice of emotional scenes replete with frozen facial expression of Diana Penty
Stir vigorously for three months. Keep stirring until you’re unsure of what you’re mixing.
Strain into a chilled crystal clear glass of Ashok Mehta’s lens lends it an MTV music video look.
Garnish with an orange twist of Pritam’s music

Now your Cocktail is ready to leave its consumer with a horrendous headache and hangover that will haunt one every time he/she watches anything about Cocktail on TV, FM or i-Pod. The startender has ensured you’d end up sighing helplessly, ‘Dum-ghut-ku, dum ghut-ku’. Hick!

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