IK (Imran Khan): Mamu, I am sick of playing heroine’s role. I seriously suspect I’d be nominated for Best Actress Award this year for ‘Break Ke Baad’. When will I play the hero?
AK (Aamir Khan): You’ve got a long way to go for that kid. I have a supporting actor’s role for you in my film, Delhi Belly.
IK: No! I want the lead role.
AK: Well, that’s already been taken.
IK: Who is he?
AK: Not ‘he’. Say ‘it’ – Shit
IK: What shit?
AK: Shit means shit, stool sample.
IK: What the f***? Who plays the second lead role?
AK: You got it right. It’s the F word.
IK: And who gets maximum promotion?
AK: DK Bose.
IK: Who is DK Bose?
AK: In fact, it’s (DK Bose) 2 x (DK Bose) 2
IK: Is this some kind of formula or what? By promoting a character’s name in loop to sound like a gaali?
AK: Right, it’s a new formula I invented to promote a film and attract young audience.
IK: But hasn’t it already been used in the film ‘Kya Kool Hai Hum’ where a character’s name was Bose DK?
AK: In Delhi Belly, there’s no character called DK Bose. It’s just a formula, which I am sure will work. Ram Sampat scores music for the film and we have four lyricists on board, which includes Amitabh Bhattacharya, Akshat Verma, Munna Dhiman, Ram Sampat, and Chetan Shashital.
IK: Smart! Who plays the third lead?
AK: Friends of F word and DK Bose like C***, G****, L***, B******* and an intelligent script.
IK: Intelligent script? It seems like a vocabulary lesson of swear words? Are there any human beings around?
AK: (laughs) There are only messed up people on the run to save their a**.
IK: What’s the name of my character?
AK: Tashi, and you play a journalist who is put up in a filthiest of rented room with two other friends Nitin, a press photographer who works with you played by Kunal Roy Kapoor and victim of upset stomach. In fact, I must credit him for the background score. The third is Arup, an illustrator often referred to as ‘cartoonist’ played by Vir Das who’ll get to croon ‘Jaa chudail’, my version of ‘Emotional Attyachar’. And you have two heroines. One is your girlfriend, Sonia played by Shenaz Treasurywala whom we’ll credit as ‘Treasury’ and drop the ‘wala’.
IK: Who’s the other heroine? Now don’t tell that it’s me!
AK: (Guffaws) Meneka played by Poorna Jagannath, who works as a special correspondent with you and is coming to terms with divorce from a trigger-happy husband crooning ‘Switty Switty tera pyaar chahida’
IK: But her name is Meneka, why does he sing Switty?
AK: A lot of shitty things are in store kid. Did you question the accuracy of spelling or existence of a story in I Hate Love Storys?
IK: You got me Mamu! And what about the plot?
AK: The plot is simple, yet complicated. A stool sample gets exchanged for diamonds and there’s a mad rush among you three and Somayajulu to be played by Vijay Raaz.
IK: Doesn’t it sound like ‘Snatch’ and ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’?
AK: Think of it as a Desi version of this genre. By the way, you get to do a lot of action and even get punched in the eye. Once you get a black eye without even getting hit by anyone and second time you get hit exactly at the same spot by Somayajulu’s henchmen.
IK: What kind of logic is that?
AK: You won’t understand. It worked for me in Dil Chahta Hai so I am playing it safe by getting you punched in the eye twice.
IK: So is Kiran Rao directing it?
AK: No, producing it along with me. She’s also directing the music video of ‘Switty Switty’ for the promos. I am in a fix to choose Director between writer Akshat Verma and Abhay Deo. Ina mina myna mo….Abhinay. Let’s zero in on Abhinay Deo.
IK: The guy who made Game? Mamu, have you seen that stupid film?
AK: What difference does it make? Do you remember who directed Peepli Live?
IK: (Smiles) Mamu you’ve been doing that since Taare Zameen Par…That film reminds me of the fact that your reputation might be tarnished. Will people accept a film replete with cuss words from an Aamir Khan film?
AK: I spent five years in researching on Indian audiences’ psyche and even I am a part of it. We are sexually repressed populace. Listening to cuss words and that too, in Hindi will allow us to laugh and indulge in a guilt-free pleasure of relishing potty humour and cuss words, especially by Vijay Raaz’s character. Delhi Belly will leave the audience in splits. The best part is, they wouldn’t have to keep their brains aside. And when such smartly written film garnished with cuss words and an item number ‘I hate you (like I love you)’ featuring me makes way to the theatre and multiplexes…
IK: Hit Happens!