The veteran Yash Chopra and debutant director Ali Abbas Zafar, are conversing with each other while watching Mere Brother Ki Dulhan at a private screening before the film’s release.
Yash Chopra: How *%%&& ^$$#
Ali Abbas Zafar: Are you abusing me sir?
Yash Chopra gives Ali Abbas Zafar a Bluetooth kind of instrument called YRF translator, a must-have gadget when you interact with Yash Chopra (They are soon launching a machine which stops your brain from thinking for two hours and will distribute at multiplexes like 3D glasses). So basically, the instrument translates Yash Chopra’s indecipherable language into Punjlishtaani. An excerpt from their popcorversation:
YC: Can you understaaand me buvaay?
AAZ: Yes sir…clearly…
YC: So are you sure you have studied our faarmat well before making this film?
AAZ: Yes, of course sir!
YC: And have you watched all the past films of YRF?
AAZ: I grew up watching them…
YC: Including Jhoom Barabar, Tashan, and Pyar Impossible?
AAZ: All of them
YC: Brave baay! Come on…let’s waaatch yaar film…
After the first half of the film:
YC: Good jaab! Very originaaal. Baay brake-aaf bith gaal, baay caaaling birather, seeking halp to phind him beride…birather faaaling in laav bith the birather’s to-be-bife.
AAZ: Thank you sir, thank you…
YC: Whaat hapenz after this?
AAZ: Nothing much sir. The story ends just there. Later we have gimmicks like Bhaang song where Khaike Paan meets Mughal E Azam, younger brother teaming up with the would-be bride and co. to prepare a trap for the elder brother by calling his ex girlfriend etc. It all doesn’t matter sir…I have ensured that the heroine Katrina Kaif looks beautiful in all scenes.
YC: Caaan she act?
AAZ: Who cares? She must look pretty. And she has learned four new expressions, which will premiere with this film! So the audience will get variety this time. She has an item number where she gets to play a rock song.
YC: Good good…and whaaat about the hero?
AAZ: There are no heroes in the film sir…all are supporting actors. So Imran Khan and Ali Zafar don’t actually matter. As a matter of fact, Imran Khan has never played a hero’s role in any film till date. Remember Break Ke Baad where he played the heroine’s role?
YC: I enby him…jaylous you know…that baay has got bigger bush of eyebrows thaan me.
AAZ: Don’t worry sir, he doesn’t have your kind of diction.
AAZ: I mean your kind of addiction…addiction for love stories sir…He hates luv storys. Shall we begin with the second half?
YC: The phirst haalf explains eberything…I don’t need to waaatch whaaat haapens next. It is aas purr aavrr faarmat. Whenebar caanphuzed, repher Silsila, Kabhi Kabhi, Lamhe, Chandni, DDLJ, DTPH, Veer Zara, Chakh De India, Rocket Singh, Band Baja Baarat. Those bere the only mobies be made.
AAZ: I know sir… I’ve done my research and read your contract carefully. I know we are not supposed to deviate from your format. If you notice, I have forced the word, ‘Raayta’ in many scenes to remind people of Band Baja Baarat.
YC: Whaat other repherences hab you putt abter interbell?
AAZ: Many references sir… the character of Imran Khan never elopes with Katrina. Whenever Katrina suggests him to elope, he comes up with some idea ala SRK of DDLJ. The ringtone plays song from Chandni, the radio plays song from Darr…it’s our way of reminding people that they are watching a film from the banner of YRF.
YC: Okay than I daant need to baaatch the secunnd haaph aaf Mere Brother Ki Dulhan.
AAZ: Even the audience doesn’t sir…but they are optimists you know, they’ll still get glued to the seats to watch Katrina. Remember, she has learned four new expressions?
YC: Whaat abaaut saangs?
AAZ: We have a title song, an item song, love song, and bhaang song
YC: Laav saang and item saang is impaartant
AAZ: We have a love song…it goes like ‘Kaisa yeh isk hai ajab sa risk hai’
YC: Whaat kaaind aaf lyrisk is that? Ask yaaar lyriskist to read Ghalib, Kaifi…badal daalo burrdings is saang ke.
AAZ: People don’t understand good poetry these days. Remember how popular was ‘Tere mast mast do nain mere dil ka le gaye chaien?’ from Dabanng? I have also included the film’s poster as a tribute.
YC: Ok ok do aas whaat you feel right b&#@@
AAZ: Sir! If you wish I’ll change the wordings but please don’t abuse me this way!
YC: @$%^^%$% $$ @!@@
AAZ: Damn! Like this machine, even the audience should give up on Yash Chopra and his cinematic language! I am happy I got my break at least. I don’t care people like this film or not. As such when you watch a film from YRF, you never expect much from it.
YC: I hurred whaat you juzzt said you B&%$%$